Did Ya Ever Wonder?

Just exactly what would happen if you decided at that instant not to tap on the brakes and slam into the blue Saturn in front of you? To risk wondering whether or not the car would move in time, since the light was already green, but the car is just sitting there, brake lights gleaming, and you are cruising along, thinking, “OK, that car is going to start going any minute now so I really don’t think I need to put on my brakes.”

Did you ever wonder how much money you would save by continuing past Starbucks rather than going in for a tallwhitemochanonfatnowhip?

Did you ever wonder who strives to become a barrista? Are there people out there who think, “When I grow up, I want to work at Starbucks.” Maybe.

Did you ever wonder how much in tips they make at Starbucks, and if there are any employees that dip into the tip jar when no one’s looking?

Did you ever wonder what it would be like to not shave your armpits for like two weeks?

What would happen if you started your diet seriously today, knowing that February and Mexico are only four months away?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just went upstairs to lie down and said "Screw it" to everything else that needs to be done?

Did you ever wonder if people look at you funny when you’re shoveling McDonald French fries slathered in ketchup into your mouth so fast you can barely taste the saltiness of the fries.

Did you ever wonder what your ex-boyfriends think about when they read your blog?

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to answer the phone call from the agent who is so in love with your novel, they must represent you?

Do you ever wonder if your husband thinks you're fat but just deals with it because you’re married?

Do you ever wonder what it would really feel like to swim in a pool of jello?

Do you ever wonder if you took all the diet Coke you drank in month, and poured it into a pool, how high would it be?

Do you ever wonder why you spread that crap fake margarine onto your toast/bagel/bread and think it's healthy for you?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you squeezed a chipmunk hard enough?

Do you ever wonder how much better you’d feel if you just signed up for the damn gym already and made a commitment to make yourself healthier.

Do you ever wonder what people think of you when you smile at them in the grocery store?

Do you ever wonder if your ex-boyfriend remembers that time you listened to the Phil Collins tape over-and-over-and-over that one night when your parents were out of town?

Do you ever wonder how your life would be different if you hadn't chosen the college you chose to attend?

Do you ever wonder what it would be like to be 37 with no children?

Do you ever wonder if your neighbors think you're a crazy-nut-white-trashish-type of girl because you go outside in a beat-up t-shirt, capri jammie pants, no bra, and no coat in the middle of winter?

Do you ever wonder why there are so many damn things on the floor right now?

Do you ever think about how Andrea Yates could have drowned her children like that when your own kids are in the tub laughing and playing sweetly together?

Do you ever wonder what you would smell like if you didn't shower for a full week?

Do you ever wonder how many of those dust mites you really sleep with every night?

Do you ever wonder who actually plans on making liver and onions for dinner?

Do you ever wonder if the chicken defrosted last night was left out just a bit too long that it might not be safe for your family to eat?

Do you ever wonder what they’ll say if you serve them the chicken but then you eat a bowl of cereal instead?

Do you ever wonder if this damn post will ever end?

Do you ever wonder if you’ll get through all the things you want to do in life before you get in a car wreck, get a divorce, get cancer, have a child, win an Emmy, give up?

I guess I might.

Wonder, that is. Not give up.